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Sorry for the extended silence. An Unwatchable announcement is coming…soonish.

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Unwatchable #19: “The Ten Commandments”

Your fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

Rest assured, this is not the time-honored Cecil B. DeMille version of The Ten Commandments you grew up watching on ABC every Easter. No, this is 2007’s computer-animated take on the Biblical tale, designed to make the story of Moses accessible for younger viewers. And if there’s one thing guaranteed to get the kids interested, it’s Elliott Gould as the voice of God.
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Unwatchable #20: “From Justin to Kelly”

Your fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

I’ve only ever seen one episode of American Idol in my life. It happened when some friends threw a little viewing party for the first season finale ten years ago. As I recall, it was an impossibly bloated production, full of music I would never listen to on purpose, and seemingly hours worth of Seacrest-flavored filler. It’s hard to believe now that there was any suspense at all about the outcome. A decade later, winner Kelly Clarkson is a music superstar, while runner-up Justin Guarini is a Trivial Pursuit answer.
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Unwatchable #21: “Keloglan vs. the Black Prince”

Your fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

One thing we haven’t touched on much throughout this dangerous experiment is the role that cultural differences can play in the evaluation of an Unwatchable. Take today’s subject, Keloglan kara prens’e karsi, for example. It’s a Turkish comedy about fairy tale characters, modeled roughly on the zany, anything-goes Zucker-Abrams-Zucker (or, in Unwatchable terms, Friedberg-Seltzer) style. I’m reasonably certain it’s the first Turkish comedy I’ve ever seen. I have no way of knowing how it compares to other Turkish comedies, or what sorts of things the Turkish people consider funny, and I have no frame of reference for any of the Turkish cultural content. I assume the people who voted this film into the Bottom 100 were primarily Turkish, as it doesn’t seem this movie had much of a life outside its home country. (It apparently got a release in the Netherlands, but that’s about it.)
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Unwatchable #22: “Ghoulies IV”

Your fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

Ladies and gentlemen, the once-mighty Unwatchable project is in disarray. We’re so close to the top (or the bottom, I guess), and yet so far. I could give you excuses. I could say I was busy writing a book that is coming out very soon, which you should buy in large quantities and distribute to needy children in your area. The truth is, however, I watched the latest entry in this countdown of the crapulent, Ghoulies IV, several months ago. Since then I have managed to lose my meticulous notes, and now that I’ve given up on finding them, I’m just going to have to reconstruct my review from memory.
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Unwatchable #23: “Manos: The Hands of Fate”

Your fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

If you’ve been following the Unwatchable chronicles, lo these many years, you’re familiar with an issue I’ve encountered more than a few times in the course of my very important work. Many of the entries on the IMDb Bottom 100 list were also featured on the robots-chuckling-at-bad-movies show Mystery Science Theater 3000, which creates a sort of chicken-and-the-egg condundrum. Did people know these movies were terrible before they appeared on MST3K, or did the MST3K seal of disapproval convince IMDb users to vote films into the Bottom 100 that never would have made it otherwise? In most cases, I believe the latter to be true, and there’s no more open-and-shut case than Manos: The Hands of Fate, the long-forgotten 1966 horror movie that became the basis of perhaps the most famous Mystery Science Theater episode of all.
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Unwatchable #24: “Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow”

Your fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

It’s been six months since the last installment of Unwatchable, and while I could try to come up with some legitimate excuse for my prolonged absence – say, that I’ve been busy negotiating with HBO over the television rights to this blog – the truth is, I just sort of forgot. When I finally did stop to think, “Gee, I haven’t done Unwatchable in a while,” it turned out I couldn’t find any trace of the movie that was ranked number 24 on the list when I started this project back in the halcyon days of the late, lamented Screengrab. That would be 1997’s Glam, described thusly by the IMDb: “Traveling from the backwoods to Los Angeles to visit his cousin, a writer discovers a world of sex, drugs, crime and violence revolving around a beautiful young woman and her mobster boyfriend.” It stars Frank Whaley, Natasha Gregson Warner and Tony Danza (!), was rated NC-17 for “a scene of explicit sexuality and some sexual dialogue,” and is truly a movie the ’90s forgot, as all existing copies appear to have been wiped from the face of the earth.
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