Unwatchable Recap: 41-50

50. Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace.Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace is, as you may have deduced, the sequel to The Lawnmower Man, which was once known as Stephen King’s The Lawnmower Man until the master of horror sued New Line Pictures to have his name removed from the credits. When you consider some of the movies Stephen King has seen fit to leave his name on, this would seem to be quite an indictment.”

49. Laserblast. “I’ll say this much for the aliens: they may be cheaply made, but at least they have personality, which is more than I can say for Billy or any other human in the movie. Otherwise, Laserblast has little to offer besides periodic explosions and a chubby girl in a bikini eating cake. I know some of you are into that sort of thing.”

48. Cool as Ice. “Here’s a little-known etymological fact for you: the term ‘assclown’ did not exist before 1990. It was specifically engineered by a team of Harvard linguists assigned to devise a shorthand description of Vanilla Ice.”

47. Creepshow 3. “I can’t say I didn’t learn anything from Creepshow 3. For instance, I learned that, at some point, there must have been a Creepshow 2.”

46. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. “Since these kids are no-names, however, we need an actual trio of big stars to headline the picture. I have placed the names of 732,891 members of the Screen Actors Guild into this hat. Please choose three. Let’s see…Loni Anderson…Jim “Ernest” Varney…and Hulk Hogan! Perfect!”

45. Another 9 1/2 Weeks. “Now that the Mickey Rourke comeback arc is complete – with our redeemed hero falling just short of the ultimate prize, a Best Actor Oscar – what better time to look back at one of the movies that made a comeback necessary in the first place?”

44. Leonard Part 6. “The joke of the title is that Leonard’s previous five adventures have been confiscated in the interest of world security. Sadly, the same criteria apparently did not apply to the Ernest movies.”

43. American Ninja V. “I didn’t think there was enough of a shortage of official Karate Kid sequels to warrant a fake one, but then again, I didn’t know there were five American Ninja movies and four 3 Ninjas movies until I started this project. I am learning so much.”

42. Zombie Nightmare. “I’ll just say this: nobody’s life should have this many zombie movies in it. OK, maybe George Romero is an exception, but at least he’s made a good living at it.”

41. Troll 2. “There’s more, oh, so much more. There’s a general store that sells only curdled milk. A witchy temptress who uses a corn cob as a means of seduction. The revelation that Nilbog is…wait for it…”goblin” spelled backwards, and that the town is populated by goblins who use their bright green food to turn humans into plant-people they can then consume.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s