Unwatchable Recap: 51-60

60. Carry On Columbus. “It’s stunning to think it was actually made in the ‘90s; you would think medical science had brought us no advances in humor since 1958. If you enjoy old-school sniggering innuendo (“Come up my end!”) or jokes that would have slayed your fifth grade classmates (“We just had a leak in the hold!” “Did you? Well, next time go over the side.”), you may find my judgment too harsh.”

59. Don’t Go in the Woods…Alone! “I have since learned that Don’t Go in the Woods was made for about $12,000, which is about $4000 more than I would have guessed.”

58. Ed. “Anyone who knows me will tell you there are two things I love above all others: baseball and monkey movies. So it would only stand to reason that Ed, in which Friends doofus Matt LeBlanc befriends a baseball-playing chimpanzee, would be my favorite movie of all time. This turns out not to be the case.”

57. Phat Girlz. “The lesson is, of course, that Jazmin is beautiful inside and out. Except I saw little evidence of her inside beauty on display here; she’s mostly loud, obnoxious and shallow, although she goes through bouts of self-pity just to spice things up.”

56. Araf (The Abortion). “This could be a scary scenario (or just an offensive one if you choose to read Araf as an anti-abortion screed), but the video effects are so poorly rendered, it just looks like a junior high AV club’s remake of The Ring.”

55. A*P*E. “The United States Army cooperated with this? For what possible reason? Did anyone in charge read a script?”

54. Meatballs 4. “Note to aspiring filmmakers: if the success of your movie is dependent on the audience perceiving a character played by Corey Feldman as “the cool guy,” you have already failed.”

53. Baby Geniuses. “I really wish something bad would happen to everyone involved in making Baby Geniuses. I’m not talking about something life-threatening or even physically debilitating – I’m thinking more in terms of a flat tire, a tax audit or perhaps a visible soiling of pants at a high-profile public event.”

52. In the Mix. “Comes described as an ‘edgy romantic comedy,’ which I guess is a romantic comedy in which people shoot at each other.”

51. Simon Sez. “One thing I don’t recall thinking is that Rodman would have a long and successful film career. In fact, I very specifically remember not thinking that, and I think history has proved me right.”

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